


But I Know I'll Never Be Alone

by rintsumu



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, How Do I Tag, Minor Angst, Nonbinary Kozume Kenma, but not really, minor Transphobia, slight AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:13:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25541137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rintsumu/pseuds/rintsumu
Summary: kenma tries, with the help of a friend, to come to terms with being most comfortable using neutral pronouns.
Kudos: 36





	But I Know I'll Never Be Alone

**Author's Note:**

> i'm waiting for my duolingo league to finish to get some points so have my second useless, 1am fic, mainly because i love nb!kenma far too much which is definitely not because i love kenma and i am nb so i'm projecting that onto them, not at all, this whole fic is NOT me just projecting onto kenma i swear,   
> hopefully this is slightly coherent garbage, but i switch tenses at least 344587488574893 times   
> it was lowkey based on a song but, yeah, no, it barely is so i just ditched that and now it's just the title. not proofread because please this took me 2 hours it is 3am i am so tired

tick tock.

light shines on kozume kenma as his mother pulls his blinds open to wake him up, as though he hadn't been awake for the last seven hours, tossing and turning, restlessly thinking. 

"cmon, get up."

ah, yes. that's motivation enough, someone else telling him to do something. 

"don't want to."

his mother laughs, softly, and kenma doesn't know how to feel. it probably isn't as though she's intentionally trying to make him feel like he's worth less than her, or that she feels that way, but all the same kenma can't stop the thought from entering his head. _she's laughing at you, she's disappointed._ he just wishes that every little thing that his parents did wouldn't make him feel like he wasn't worth existing, but then, it wasn't like that was anything new. 

he waits until she leaves his room and shuts the door, and then gets up and looks in the mirror. maybe he's tired or maybe he really is losing more and more of his energy every day, and as he looks more at the bags under his eyes all he can see is someone who doesn't want to be who they are now. 

he shakes the thought from his mind and changes out of the t-shirt he "slept" in, before leaving his room to make some breakfast. 

"morning." 

"morning, kenma."

the news was on the tv. none of them really watched it, it just supplied a general comfortable background noise so they could eat in silence without feeling weird. 

"protests rise in the usa as news comes to light about police cover-ups of the murders of multiple transgender youths."

this morning was slightly different from how they normally went about ignoring the news, it seemed, as kenma watched a somewhat scowl form on his father's face. kenma felt an unknown worry surge within himself, waiting to see if his father would offer any comment. 

eventually the worry dissipated as his father's frown fell, but rose again as he followed-up with,

"i hope you don't turn out like that, kenma. we already let you dye your hair, that would be overdoing it, don't you think?"

there was an amusement to his tone but kenma couldn't find it within himself to laugh or even smile in response, instead finishing his meal with as much haste as he could comfortably stomach in his desperation to get away from the air of discomfort that he had created by accident in the room. 

"i'm off to school, love you, bye." 

he walked slowly, not that he had any need for urgency. his morning usually took far longer to start, so he had an extra half hour on his hands. he'd gotten into the habit of thinking lately, much as he hated doing so, since he knew what he'd think about, but there was nothing else to do. so he thought. 

_"i want to ask him out."_

_"he? i thought that was a girl."_

_"no, look."_

_"why don't we just ask **them**?"_

it's that word. it's been on kenma's mind for a week at least. _them._ why did it feel so nice when those girls said it? but kenma was a boy. he had to be. his parents and everyone knew him as a boy. that wasn't something he could change. not that he wasn't aware of being transgender, but it didn't sound like a word that would fit him. it didn't feel like something his parents would be proud of him for, either. not that their opinion explicitly mattered to the way he lived his life, but being transgender was always going to be a bigger thing than he felt he'd ever be ready to deal with. 

kenma doesn't know when tears started to prick at his eyes, but he wanted them to go away. he doesn't care how long he has before school, stopping on the way there to cry seemed to him like something he'd do if he were weak. he can acknowledge and validate the emotions of others. his own are a different story. 

but he couldn't get rid of them. and as the first tear rolled down his cheek, he rushed to find somewhere to sit. 

seeing a bench in front of him, he pulled out his phone and dialled the only person he thought would be awake. in truth, hinata was also one of the only people he felt comfortable telling his feelings to, but knowing that did little to ease his nerves, heightened due to the gravity of what he was going to try to say and also the fear of saying the wrong thing. the crunch of leaves on the bench as he sat wasn't much help either. 

he hears his phone stop ringing, and almost directly after, 

"kenma?"

he lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding. 

"hinata?" 

"what's up?"

what _i_ _s_ up? kenma has no idea what to say. he sniffles a little, and he hears a sound of concern from the other end of the line.

"is everything okay?"

everything is not okay. but "everything" seems like such a small word to cover all the things that he wishes he was able to say to hinata. no matter how much he trusts him, it feels difficult to say things over the phone. where he can't visibly gauge a reaction, it feels like dangerous territory to say something big. 

"no, i don't think so. i'd... rather not talk about it like this. can we meet up? i don't really care when or where, i can go as far as i need, i just. want to talk to you, in person. please."

"uh, sure, of course, yeah, can you do tomorrow? we can meet halfway." 

tomorrow seemed like a long time to wait. everything was hurting him now, coming down like a wave on him now, but they both have school on a friday and it would be unreasonable of him to ask hinata to skip just so that he could vent to him. 

"yeah. yeah, tomorrow sounds nice. thanks."

he hung up the call. it felt weird to discuss the details of what they'd do and where they'd meet over the phone when he'd forget anyway, but he could always check back through a text conversation. he made sure to end the message he sent with a ":)". he knew it wouldn't make anything seem any more fine than it was, but all the same it felt like he'd make things slightly less uncomfortable for himself and hinata if, for a moment, and for as long as he could, he pretended that everything _was_ fine. 

pressing send, he checked the time, and got up from the bench quickly. he only had 10 minutes to get to school. 

-

"where are you going, kenma?"

_it's just a question. it's a saturday. of course she's curious. she's not talking down to you._

"to meet up with a friend."

"oh? which friend?"

_she doesn't think you have no friends. you're her son and she cares._

"hinata. he goes to another school, i know him from volleyball." 

"oh. well, it's good that you're meeting new people through that."

_she doesn't hate volleyball. she doesn't think it's stupid that you play._

"yeah, i guess. see you later."

he leaves as quickly as he can. there's clouds brewing in the distance but he isn't bothered by them, and he doesn't pick up an umbrella on his way out. 

-

that was a mistake, because it's raining really heavily by the time that he arrives at the train station. his hair is wet, and it drips onto the tiled floor as he walks to buy his ticket. there's a heating system in the building, but it doesn't do anything to dry his soaked jacket because his hair won't dry and it keeps putting new water onto what he's wearing.

he sits outside, under the shelter. the bench is dry, and the day is cold, but somehow he feels warm, no matter how uncomfortable his clothes are as they stick to him. it's more of an internal warmth, less like the fear he was prepared to feel and more like the happiness he feels when he's in a game. it's by no means unpleasant, more unexpected, and he allows it to warm him up fully before his train arrives and he can feel physical warmth, instead of whatever kind of warmth he's feeling at the moment. it's nice, but not permanent, and he's glad he bought the ticket for the earlier train. 

-

kenma sips on the straw of the drink he bought absentmindedly. he's nervous. even though he's early by almost 20 minutes, he's already scared of seeing hinata. it's not like he's prepared a speech of things to say, he's more reliant on the fact that he'll be overwhelmed and he'll just say everything he needs to. it won't be that simple, but he doesn't want to think it'll be much harder or he'll be inclined to take his drink and leave. he feels sick to his stomach. no matter how trusting he is of hinata, there's some things he's never said to anyone. new experiences aren't always good ones, and kenma is scared. he opens a game on his phone to distract himself. 

-

hinata shows up almost 15 minutes after the time that they had agreed on. he's not late, by any means, but kenma is nervous, really nervous, and it took a lot of energy not to run out of the cafe and pretend that he forgot they had plans. 

"i'm so sorry i'm late! my mum drove me to the station but we got stuck in traffic... is everything okay, kenma?"

his tone changes mid-sentence from excited to caring. kenma really admires how he can change that so easily, not that it's always very easy to deal with, especially in games. 

"i... i don't know." 

hinata sits down next to kenma, grabbing his hands suddenly. that catches kenma off guard, and he freezes up. he's used to hinata being openly affectionate, he's that way with everyone, but most of kenma's friends aren't like that, and he has to remember that it's natural before he can process a response to it. eventually he settles for tightening his own grip on hinata's hands. somehow, it helps. they feel stable. secure. comforting. 

"you can talk to me." 

"i... yeah."

hinata looks at him, and kenma looks back. he doesn't pressure him for an answer. he seems comfortable to just sit, to wait for kenma to find something he knows how to phrase. it makes kenma feel safe, in ways that he isn't used to. he's not used to people being okay to wait for him, even if he made it seem urgent. he's not used to general patience from others. it's nice. he opens his mouth, but he doesn't know what he's going to say. 

"some girls referred to me as a they the other day. and it felt nicer than being called he. and i'm so scared about what that means and i don't know, it really hit me yesterday that i do not know what i'm doing or if that's an alright thing to feel and i panicked and i called you and, uh, now we're here?"

hinata looks to the side. fear builds up within kenma. that's the emotion he'd expected to feel that morning, when he was at the train station, confused. this is what he thought it'd feel like. he can barely even process what he's said or what's happening. tears well up in his eyes and he loosens his hold on hinata's hands.

_hinata doesn't think you're a freak. you're his friend. he cares about you._

kenma doesn't know what to think about that. he's so, so scared that because he can't deal with what's in his own head, he'll have lost a really good friend. 

there's a hand on his face. he can feel it, and it's wiping away tears. he doesn't know if it's his or if it's hinata's, and he looks up at hinata, surprised to see that he's looking back. 

"kenma."

_here it comes. "we can't be friends, i'm sorry." you shouldn't have said anything._

"it... sounds like you might be non-binary."

"non-binary?"

it sounds weird, but it sounds nicer to kenma than transgender. it doesn't feel like a term he'd hate going by. it feels comfortable. 

"yeah! it's like... when you're not she, or he, or anywhere in between, really. it's outside of those. lots of non-binary people use they pronouns."

"i... i think that might be me."

hinata pulls kenma into a tight hug, though kenma isn't very responsive. he sits stiffly, but hinata doesn't seem to mind, and only hugs him harder. 

"i'm sorry if you were scared to tell me, kenma. i'll always accept you, whoever you are." 

and kenma starts crying again.

-

there's a happy feeling in kenma's chest the whole way home. hinata said that "they're allowed to take as much time as they need" to tell other people, and even to figure themselves out further, if they need to, and to say that kenma's never felt that validated in their life was an understatement. they had their doubts about telling hinata, but no matter how loud he is, he's a trustworthy friend, and kenma is lucky to have him. they're glad they told him first. 

\- 

tick tock.

kenma's alarm clock is ticking, but it's a sunday. they don't need to get up, for any reason, but their mother pulls the curtains anyway. kenma knows it'll be a while before they can tell their parents, and fear builds in their chest at the thought, but they push that down.

they can take their time, and through that time, they'll have hinata. they're lucky to have a friend like him, who will always validate them and help them as far as he is able. they'll never be alone if they have hinata. 


End file.
